Highly Caffeinated for Your Safety
by crematosis
Summary: The Avengers agreed that the day Loki discovered coffee was a good day for the rest of the world. Until the inevitable caffeine crash.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: So, this is my first foray into the Avengers fandom. I've recently watched Thor 2 and I'm all hopped up on excitement so I just had to write this. This is the intro chapter and thus, it is super short. But the rest of the chapters will be longer. Quite a bit longer.

Disclaimer: I have...a Loki shirt! Yay for chibi Loki. But I have nothing else. Aww, so sad.

Most of the Avengers agreed that the day Loki discovered coffee was a good day for the rest of the world.

Caffeine seemed to do wonders for Loki's mood. It enhanced the playful, mischievous side of his personality that had been all but buried under centuries of bitter unhappiness and homicidal impulses.

Frankly, everyone liked this side of Loki better. It would be a stretch to say that coffee had made Loki a normal, rational human being. But at least it was a step in the right direction.

After all, it was hard to label Loki as much of a threat anymore when his most recent evil scheme had involved turning the city's entire water supply into vodka. Nick Fury had not been amused by the reports of all the tipsy kindergarteners who had been unfortunate enough to take a sip from the drinking fountain that day. But Tony Stark, at least, had felt more charitable towards Loki. The vodka had been really, really good. And besides, no one had been killed or even seriously injured, unless one counted Tony's wicked hangover the next day.

And so, the Avengers were on the verge of signing a peace treaty with Loki. They had all agreed that they would let Loki remain on Earth and make no more efforts to capture him, as long as continued to be relatively harmless. All they needed was Loki's word that there would be no more mass-murdering, no more trying to take over the world, no more drunken children. Thor, as the one who knew Loki best, was chosen to meet with him and gauge whether he would actually stick to any such agreement.

Since Loki's newest evil lair was located directly under the local Starbucks, it seemed like a logical place to meet.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Actual chapter 1. Yay! As you have probably already guessed, this will be a very cracky story. I will try my best to keep it from getting too ridiculous and I'll also try to keep it from veering into angst and despair. Thanks for reading!

Disclaimer: I'd love to say I own even a tiny bit of Avengers stuff, but no...sadly, no.

The coffee shop was nice, Thor supposed. As far as coffee shops went. The place was warm and homey with plenty of round, wooden tables and a few plush chairs tucked into the corners for people who liked to read and enjoy their beverages with a little privacy. Thor could understand why Loki found the place appealing.

Thor had never been fond of coffee shops. He preferred the hearty environment of the tavern. There was nothing better than sitting on a bench with boisterous companions, fine mead, and a delicious slab of meat.

But today was not about his preferences. Meeting Loki in a place of his choosing would show that the Avengers were willing to work with him. It would beneficial to everyone to come to an agreement. The Avengers would have one less evil villain to worry about and more importantly, Thor would get his brother back.

So Thor tried to ignore the sickly sweet scent lingering about the place and focused only on finding Loki. He expected to find him curled up in one of the chairs by the window, buried deep into a book. But no, there was Loki, sitting in plain sight at one of the tables. There were no piles of books, no weapons. Just Loki. Thor was immediately on guard, especially when Loki smiled at him with the most genuine smile Thor had seen in years.

Thor cautiously took a seat. "Brother. You look well. I hardly recognize you."

Loki's smile widened. "Ah, so you like my new coat? I was afraid you wouldn't appreciate the tailoring."

Thor shrugged. It seemed to be a fine, black winter coat. There was nothing exceptional Thor could see in it, but then again, Loki had more refined tastes than he did.

Loki's smile curled into a smirk. "Oh, silly me. I forget that you are more fond of t-shirts and jeans. They suit your nature so well. Casual, rough, unsophisticated."

Thor could read the madness glittering in the emerald eyes and saw that they were veering towards dangerous ground. He cleared his throat. "I hope you did not want to meet me just to discuss my attire. My friends would be deeply disappointed if the clothes they have chosen for me were upsetting to you."

Loki leaned back in his seat. "Yes. Your friends the Avengers. They want to negotiate with me now." He rolled his eyes. "After all that time hounding me for destroying a few insignificant statues. Now they want to forget it all happened."

"Come, brother. This is an opportunity to begin anew. All your crimes will be forgiven if you can accept our hands stretched out to you in peace."

Loki jiggled his leg against the table. "Hmmn. I'll have to think about it."

"We are not asking much of you. You won't even have to give up your magic. All we ask is that you leave the good people of Earth unharmed."

Loki's brow furrowed and he stared down at the table, apparently deep in thought. He could have been a statue if the corners of his mouth weren't twitching as if he had a mouthful of bees.

As the minutes dragged on, Thor grew more and more anxious that the negotiation had failed. He didn't know what he had done to upset him, but Loki was obviously not as keen to cooperate as he had once seemed. He was probably only trying to think of the most insulting way to turn down their proposition.

"You don't need to give us an answer immediately," Thor said desperately. "You can take some time to think it over."

At this, Loki doubled over the table in a fit of laughter. Thor shifted uncomfortably, feeling all eyes drawn to their table.

Loki dabbed at his eyes with a napkin. "I'm sorry. I couldn't resist. You had the most deliciously uncomfortable expression on your face and I just had to prolong the agony." Loki slapped the table with a palm. "Just like old times, is it not, brother?"

Thor exhaled noisily and slumped down in his seat, feeling all the tension drain out of his body. "Yes, Loki," he said weakly. "Just like old times." This was something he was more familiar with. Loki having a laugh at his expense.

"You've brought this upon yourself," Loki said. "Always rushing blindly into situations and then flailing about helplessly. Bah. If you had possessed any of the qualities of a future king, I might have -"

Loki stopped, his mouth twisted as if he had just eaten something sour. "Er, never mind that now. No sense dwelling on past unpleasantness."

Thor watched as Loki squirmed in his seat. "Loki, are you alright?"

Loki shook himself and straightened in his chair, again a picture of perfect composure. He crossed his legs and rested his hands on his knee. "Your team needs to reconsider letting you do the delicate negotiations. If you hadn't acted like you were being sent to the gallows, I might have signed your silly paper without giving you any trouble."

Thor brightened. "You're actually considering our proposal?"

"Of course. As fun as it is to toy with your little friends, I am getting very tired of them chasing after me all the time. I've gone through fifteen secret lairs in the last four months. Last time, I didn't even get to finish decorating before your precious Avengers swooped in and demanded a battle." Loki stuck out his bottom lip. "And I had found the perfect set of curtains, too."

"And if you sign our agreement, you won't have to worry about that any longer, brother. But you do realize you'll have to hold up your end of the bargain."

Loki waved a hand dismissively. "I haven't been in the mood for any grand schemes lately. Taking over the world requires far too much effort and uses up too many resources to make it worthwhile. And I couldn't risk disrupting the coffee bean supply." Loki spread his hands wide, as if illustrating the vastness of the coffee bean network. "Caffeine is a miracle, brother. I feel more alive now than I have ever felt in Asgard. This morning I read through my entire library of spell books, mixed up a batch of hazelnut waffles, and I still feel full of energy."

"That is good to hear, Loki. But how do you fare after a caffeine crash? Does your bad humor return?"

"A crash? No, brother, you won't catch me anywhere near one of those silly vehicles your mortals drive around in." Loki's lips curled in distaste. "It's not that I can't drive. I just refuse to trust mortal engineering when I'm perfectly capable of walking to get my coffee." Loki leaned forward conspiratorially. "In fact, I'm now living-"

"Right below this coffee shop. Yes, brother, I know."

"Oh." Loki slumped back in his seat. "Well, fine. Another secret lair compromised." He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. "And if you know so much about my life, you should know I haven't been in any automobile accidents lately."

"No, brother. A caffeine crash, not a car crash. Friend Stark likens it to a hangover."

"I haven't experienced anything like that. Maybe it only affects your little mortals."

"So, you haven't felt any ill effects when the caffeine wears off?"

Loki frowned. "It wears off?"

Thor chuckled. "You really are in a jesting mood today, brother. It is good to see you in such good humor. It is a pity we have such serious business to attend to."

But Loki was no longer paying attention to the conversation. His gaze was firmly on the portly blonde woman with the little dog who had just sat down at the table beside them. To Thor's great surprise, Loki leaned over to address the woman.

"Excuse me, miss. Would that happen to be a vanilla latte with soy milk?"

The woman looked down at her cup and then up at Loki. "H-how did you know?"

The corners of Loki's mouth curved into a smug smile. "I'm a coffee connoisseur. I know my coffee better than anyone." Loki scooted his chair closer and inhaled. "I see you've also added two pumps of vanilla syrup and a packet of Splenda. Tell me, doesn't that make the drink too sweet?"

"N-no…I don't think so." Her eyes met Thor's: wide with fright and desperate for someone to save her from this strange man.

"Loki," Thor said warningly. "Let the lady enjoy her coffee in peace. She values her privacy as you do."

Loki didn't seem to be listening. He got up and settled himself at a chair at the woman's table. "Would you mind if I had a sip? Just for my own curiosity, of course."

She clutched the cup protectively to her chest. "No! Get away from me, you freak. Don't make me call the police."

Loki's expression hardened and he drew himself up to his full height. "You dare to speak to me like this? I demand to sample your beverage or I shall eviscerate your little dog." He stretched out a hand and the dog began to hover a few inches off the ground.

"Okay, okay! You can have it." She snatched up her dog and darted towards the other side of the coffee shop. Thor distantly heard the tinkle of a little bell.

Loki seated himself back at the table and picked up the cup. "I'm glad you've decided to be more reasonable." He took a big sip and wrinkled his nose. "Yes, I thought so. Far too sweet." He pushed the cup away from him. "You may have your disgusting creation back now."

Thor sighed. "The woman is long gone, brother."

Loki blinked and looked around as if he were genuinely surprised by her absence. "Oh, I suppose she is." He shrugged. "Well, she doesn't belong here anyway if she thinks drowning good coffee with sweeter-"

"Brother," Thor said carefully. "We all agree that it is good to see you so passionate about Midgardian delicacies-"

Loki snorted. "Coffee is the only delicacy Midgard has to offer." He paused. "Well, except for waffles. I am rather fond of those as well. And pancakes. And-"

"_Loki_."

"Oh, very well, Thor. I admit it. Your precious Midgard is not quite as uncivilized as I first thought. It's hard to believe, when their liquor tastes like the inside of a latrine. But they do sweets very well. Perhaps a little too well."

Thor frowned. Loki was rarely this talkative. He had a lot to say when he felt disrespected, but this was different. The words were just tumbling out of Loki's mouth without any pause for breath. There probably wasn't even any time for him to think of what he was saying before he said it. And maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.

"Brother," Thor said warmly. He reached across the table to put his hand over Loki's. "It is refreshing to hear your speak with such sincerity. I had thought those days were long past."

Loki smirked. "I am incapable of sincerity."

"Really, brother? You have said nothing that is untrue."

Loki fell silent. He tilted his head upwards and waved a finger in the air as if he were doing a complex calculation.

"Damn," he said at last.

His eyes narrowed and he looked fixedly at the woman's abandoned cup. "This is all some sort of trick, isn't it? You've laced this with some sort of truth serum."

"I did nothing of the sort. You are being paranoid. You really expect me to put a truth serum in a stranger's drink in the hope that you would take it from her?"

Loki shrugged. "It's what I would do. But, you're different. You might be a muscle-bound oaf with cabbage for brains, but at least you're reliable. It's nice to have one person in my life that I can completely trust."

"Brother," Thor said. "I'm touched by your faith in me."

Loki's eyes widened with horror and he clapped a hand over his mouth. "Oh dear. Did I say that part out loud?"

"Yes, and I am very glad you did." Thor put his hand over Loki's and squeezed reassuringly. "It's not often I get to hear what you think of me. You are always so secretive."

Loki jerked his hand back. "Secrecy is what keeps me alive," he spat. "In the world of crime, if one of your associates learns that you spill their secrets as easily as common gossip, you wind up dead. But then again, you probably have no idea how much work goes into the evil villain business. You probably think I'm sitting here drinking lattes whenever I'm not…Oh wait, that explains everything. I drank a cappuccino two hours ago. The caffeine must be wearing off by now."

"Brother," Thor said cautiously. "How much coffee have you had today?"

"An espresso, two vanilla lattes, three caramel macchiatos, and a hazelnut cappuccino."

Thor was aghast. "That's seven cups of coffee."

"Yes, Thor. I can count, too." Loki rolled his eyes. "This caffeine crash business is just as bad as your friend described. I already feel my brain turning into swamp water." Loki pushed back from the table.

"Where are you going?"

"To get another latte."

"Brother, it is not even noon and you've already consumed seven cups of coffee. Surely this much caffeine is harmful."

"Nonsense. I'm stronger than your mortal friends. I can handle it. Besides, I can't negotiate with you when I'm at such a disadvantage. I'll get back to you once my mind is refreshed."

"But I thought you trusted me."

"I trust you to be an idiot and a lunkhead." Loki paused. "That was what I was trying to say earlier. I trust you not to come up with any clever schemes to use against me, but I don't trust you not to make a mess of things with your cluelessness."

Loki turned on his heel and stalked towards the counter. Thor groaned and rubbed his temple. No matter how dismissive Loki was, drinking an excess of caffeine couldn't be good for him. Well, maybe it was a one-time thing. Maybe Loki was so confident in caffeine's ability to increase his brain power that he had overindulged before the meeting to try to give himself an edge in the negotiations. Thor chuckled. Yes, that had to be it. Poor Loki. He would be furious with himself tomorrow when he realized how badly that plan had failed.

Loki slid back into the seat with a larger cup of coffee than anyone else was drinking from. Thor raised an eyebrow. "Did you really need to order the largest size they had?"

"Can't be too careful," Loki said. He closed his eyes and leaned over the cup, inhaling deeply. "Doesn't that smell wonderful?"

Thor decided not to comment, especially when Loki proceeded to down the entire cup in three large gulps.

Loki opened his eyes and glared venomously at Thor. "Well? Out with it. You're obviously dying to make some stupid remark. I can see it written on your face."

"Err, how was your drink, brother?"

"Oh." Loki looked down into his empty cup. "I suppose I should have offered to buy you one, or at least let you have a taste."

"Never mind, Loki. We can have coffees together another time, to celebrate the successful signing of our pact."

"Oh yes." Loki rubbed his hands together and produced a dagger between them. "And now for the paperwork."

"Put that away," Thor hissed. "You're supposed to be reforming, not trying to start more trouble."

Loki spread his arms wide. "How else am I supposed to draw blood? With a plastic fork?"

It took Thor a minute to realize the misunderstanding and then he felt a wave of relief. "No, brother. This is not a blood oath. All you need is a pen."

"Ah." Loki snapped his fingers and the dagger transformed into a pen. "I forget contracts here are much less binding."

Thor spread the paperwork out across the table and waited as Loki pored over it, his eyes darting back and forth over every page. The entire team had worked tirelessly on it for a whole day, writing and rewriting it to make sure Loki couldn't find any loopholes. They had agreed that Loki was entitled to a few harmless pranks, but those were carefully defined because Loki's idea of harmless was probably much different than theirs.

"Well," Loki said at last. "I think I can live with this."

Thor blinked. "Really? You're not going to argue for any concessions?"

"Why should I? I can experiment with my magic as much as I please in the comfort of my lair and I can do a few experiments without you all barging in to interrupt."

"As long as no one is seriously injured in any of your experiments."

"I give you my word," Loki said. "All I'm interested in the moment is working my way through every spell book in my library until I can perform every spell perfectly. I probably won't be into any of the major spells for another year. And yes, I'll notify your Avengers when I need to use the park so they can clear out any bystanders." Loki signed his name on the bottom of the final page with a flourish. "Trust me, Thor. I will be far too occupied to give you any trouble."

Thor carefully folded up the papers. "I hope that's true, brother. It will be good for us to not always be fighting against each other."

Loki smiled and tipped his head to one side. The coffee cup arced into the trash can as if it had been thrown. "Fascinating, isn't it?" Loki said. "There is no end to what I can do with my magic."

Thor smiled in return. He had often teased Loki about his fascination with magic, but if that was what made him happy, he wasn't going to get in his way.

"It was good to see you, brother."

"Likewise," Loki said. "Feel free to stop by. You know where I live, after all."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: And now, the rest of the Avengers. I'm still trying to crack-ify poor Clint and Natasha, but for now they're very serious and have almost no personality compared to the rest of the silliness. Sadly, I have only seen the Avengers movie once. I probably really need to watch it again. You know. For research purposes.

Disclaimer: I wish I owned the Avengers. It'd be nice. I could quit my job and not have to deal with grumpy customers for the holidays.

When Thor returned to the Avengers' mansion, Tony was at the door to greet him, in a rumpled shirt and mussed hair as if he had just woken up. And knowing Tony, that was probably true. Especially since he had the tomato drink in one hand that he always drank to nurse a hangover.

"So, how'd it go? He actually sign it?"

"Yes." Thor pulled the agreement out of his pocket. "It was much easier than I thought."

"Good work, buddy." Tony slapped Thor on the back and walked away while studying the paperwork. "One less evil villain to fight. And more importantly, Pepper owes me fifty bucks now."

Thor frowned. "You bet on my brother's behavior?"

"Don't take it personally. I try betting with her about everything."

Thor thought back to all the times he had seen Tony sulking around the mansion. "Doesn't she usually win?"

"Not this time." Tony rubbed his hands together. "I can't wait to rub it in her face."

"And I suppose you've also made a bet on whether Loki will actually stick to the agreement."

"Not with Pepper, no. I've got a bet with-"

"Me," Natasha said smoothly.

"Ah. Agent Romanov." Tony cleared his throat. "Thor and I were just discussing-"

"I heard," she said. "Your voice carries all the way upstairs." She sauntered past them into the kitchen.

Tony lowered his voice. "I don't know how she keeps sneaking up on me like that. It's freaky."

"I can still hear you, Stark," Natasha called from the kitchen.

Tony winced. "Anyway, I've got Loki as lasting for at least six months and she's got him down for less than a month. I'm putting a lot of faith in the guy, so your brother better not screw this up for me."

Thor heaved a sigh. "I'm glad you're taking this so seriously."

"I am serious. Very, very serious. If Loki screws up, she'll never let me hear the end of it."

Natasha reappeared with a protein shake in her hand. She took a sip of her shake and fixed them both with a steely gaze. "Then you better hope Loki takes this pact more seriously than you do. If anybody needs me, I'll be preparing for the day Loki gets tired of playing nice and comes back to kick our asses again. You boys should do the same."

"Yeah, great," Tony said. "Good luck with that."

But it was obvious he was no longer listening. He had a gleam in his eyes that Thor had learned to take with caution. Tony had either just thought of another brilliant invention or another hare-brained scheme.

"My friend," Thor said. "Would you care to-"

Tony shushed him immediately, jerking his head the stairs. Thor could still hear Natasha's footsteps receding upstairs, deliberately loud. "This has to be kept a secret," he hissed.

Thor sighed. Definitely the hare-brained scheme.

"We'll continue this is my office," Tony said. "And by office, I mean my soundproofed workroom."

After all the talk about secrecy, Thor was a little surprised that Tony had dragged Clint Barton and Steve Rogers into the workroom with him. They seemed equally surprised. Tony didn't usually invite visitors into his workroom. Not that anyone was particularly interested in watching Tony work on his inventions anyway. When Tony had an idea, he often disappeared into his workroom for days, only to emerge wild-eyed and screaming "Eureka!"

Thor suspected that something about living in a room with machines for several days had temporarily driven Tony mad. He eyed the metal scraps strewn over the three tables in the middle of the room. It looked like Tony had taken something apart and just thrown the pieces everywhere. Definitely a sign of madness.

Tony tossed a sheet over the tables. "Small snafu with one of the robots," he said. "Ripped itself to shreds and then tried to eat itself. Crazy, right?"

Thor decided that whatever Tony was working on, he didn't want to know. It was safer that way.

"Stark, may we continue our earlier conversation now?"

"Ah, yes." Tony stepped into the middle of the room and removed his sunglasses. "Gentlemen," he said. "You might be aware that Thor's brother is just a little less crazy these days. And we want to keep it that way."

Clint raised an eyebrow. "Is this the bet you were talking about earlier?"

"Don't rush me," Tony said. "I was getting to that part."

Steve folded his arms over his chest. "I'm not helping you win a bet."

"Listen up, Boy Scout. This isn't just about me. If Loki stops being a pain in the ass, we all win. Except for Natasha. But she can thank me later."

Clint leaned back against the wall. "How much has she got you for?"

Tony averted his gaze. "Just twenty bucks."

"You bet fifty dollars that my brother would sign your contract and only twenty that he would abide by it?"

"Stark Industries' lawyers helped with that contract, okay? It's a damn good contract." Tony chewed his bottom lip. "Maybe too good."

Clint snickered. "Just be glad it's only twenty. I lost five grand once when I was drunk. I bet her that I could catch the pool on fire with a couple flaming arrows."

Tony gave Clint a look that said he clearly though he was an idiot. "Moving on. The money's not important. It's the principle. I win, she loses. End of story. So, are you guys going to help me or not?"

Clint sighed and pushed off the wall. "Natasha's hoping Loki will screw up again and this time, we'll be able to put him away for good. Can't say that I blame her. I know what Loki's like. I had him bouncing through my brain like a pachinko ball on speed. But, Fury's right on this one. It's easier to stop a fight before it starts."

"Ah, that's right. Fury wants us to play nice with the crazy guy." Tony sounded triumphant. "And in the interest of keeping the boss happy, anybody got any ideas?"

"We could invite him over here so we could talk," Steve suggested. "Maybe if he got to know us better, we could convince him to stay on our side."

"You think talking to him is going to make a difference? Name a single supervillain that was ever talked out of being evil."

"It was just an idea," Steve said, sounding slightly hurt.

"It is actually an excellent idea," Thor said.

Tony made a sour face. "Your brother is crazier than a tapdancing llama. You really think you can reason with him?"

"Loki might relish having someone to talk to. At the coffee shop, he did nothing but talk. Not about schemes for world domination, but about his fondness for Midgardian cuisine. Something called a waffle, especially."

Tony nodded. "That's a good sign. Anyone who likes waffles can't be pure evil."

"_Tony!"_ Steve hissed.

"Cool it, Captain Anxiety. Thor's not done briefing us on his brother. Right, Thor? There's got to be more to Loki than waffles and cappuccinos."

"Indeed," Thor said. "He is also fond of lattes and espressos."

"We've established the guy's a caffeine junkie. Anything else? Anything useful?"

"We should learn something else if I had a chance to speak with him again. He did talk a great deal, almost as if he was unable to help himself. He even accused me of dosing him with a truth serum." Thor chuckled at the memory.

"That is great news," Tony said. "We invite him over here, get him talking, and he'll give us all the intel we need."

"What intel?" Steve demanded. "He's not our enemy anymore. We have a peace treaty."

"I know. But it'll be really helpful to know something if Loki ever decides to go back to his wicked ways. Or maybe something we can use to blackmail him to behave. Good work, Captain." Tony slapped him on the back.

Steve frowned. "That wasn't exactly what I was going for, but okay."


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Sorry for the late update, all, but I was sick for the holidays. Major sick. Like, passing out at my register and having to be sent home for the day sick. But I am working on the next chapter right now so that will hopefully be done in a few days so I'll be back on track. But, uh…..reviews are always excellent motivation to make me work faster XD

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't even own a barbecue. That's how desperately poor I am.

Thor found Loki at the coffee shop, at the same table as before. But this time, Loki was sprawled on top of the table, one slender hand raised towards the ceiling. Papers airplanes swirled around his arm as if caught in a tornado.

Thor frowned. "Brother, what madness is this?"

Loki smiled blissfully. "Oh, good. The spell worked."

"Yes, brother. Your paper airplanes are very clever. But shouldn't you be performing your spells in your lair? I hardly think the mortals would take kindly to this."

Loki chuckled. "They can't see a thing. As far as they know, I'm sitting at my table working the crossword puzzle and drinking an espresso." Loki licked his lips. "That does sound wonderful right now."

Thor put a hand on Loki's shoulder. "No, brother. Do not go get yourself more caffeine. We need to have another talk."

Loki dropped his arms and the paper airplanes fluttered harmlessly to the ground. "I should have known this would happen," he said wearily. "I liked the contract as it was, but no doubt you want to add more restrictions on me."

"Actually, we would like to invite you to what my friends call a barbecue."

Loki sat upright. "A barbecue? Ooh, how exciting. You know what a barbecue is, right?"

Thor scratched the back of his head. "An outdoor gathering with good friends and good food. My friends have told me it is a wonderful way to celebrate a warm, summer afternoon."

"You can't forget the fire," Loki said, his eyes alight with excitement.

"You are not setting anything on fire," Thor said sternly. "You promised to behave yourself."

"Cooking," Loki said. "You don't think your precious meat magically cooks itself, do you?"

"The Avengers will be doing the cooking," Thor said. "We must keep you away from temptation, brother."

Loki rolled his eyes, but didn't protest further or even pretend to be outraged that Thor didn't trust him. "Very well." He leaned forward intently. "When is this barbecue?"

"Today. You may come when you wish, or I can escort you there right now."

"Right now?" Loki repeated, his eyes wild. "You need to give me time to prepare. How can I face your friends looking like this?"

Thor blinked. He cocked his head to one side, surveying Loki's thin, collared shirt and dark pants. "You look fine, brother." A quick glance around the coffee shop assured him that Loki looked perfectly normal.

"No," Loki snapped. "This is the attire of merchants. I can dress like this in their company, but not when feasting with your friends. They will think I am ignorant of Midgardian customs." He snapped his fingers and a tie and suit coat appeared over his shirt.

"Brother," Thor said carefully. "This is not a formal affair. It is meant to be a very casual gathering. My friends just wish to get to know you better outside of the realm of battle."

"Oh. In that case…" Loki snapped his fingers again.

Thor raised an eyebrow. Loki was dressed from head to toe in green. Dark green tennis shoes with neon green laces, lime green t-shirt, sunglasses with green frames, even a green hat with the logo of some sports team on it. Luckily, Loki's the camouflage pattern on Loki's pants had a hint of brown in it. But it wasn't nearly enough to offset all the green.

"Too much?" Loki asked with a playful smirk.

Thor was relieved. Loki was well-known for his fashion sense and if Loki thought this was a stylish outfit, then Thor would have known his brother had truly lost his mind.

"You may come dressed however you wish," Thor said.

Loki's smile faded and he looked almost disappointed that Thor had not reacted. "Oh, alright," he said.

The t-shirt stayed, but everything else vanished. For a moment, Loki stood in his underwear, flicking one finger in the air as if browsing through an invisible closet. "Not that one," Loki said. "No, no, no. Ah, yes." He snapped his fingers and thankfully, put on a pair of pants. At that point, Thor didn't care that they seemed baggy and had a great deal too many pockets. All he cared about was that they were pants. He had no desire to see his brother's undergarments again.

"Almost ready," Loki said. He grabbed a handful of Splenda packets off the table and stuffed them in one pocket and then snatched a handful of little white tubes from the counter.

"Brother, what are you doing?"

"Instant coffee," Loki said. "For all I know, your friends are uncivilized ruffians who couldn't recognize a cup of coffee if it was thrown directly onto their crotches." He frowned, brow furrowing. "A waste of good coffee, to be sure."

Thor grabbed Loki by the arm and dragged him out of the coffee shop before Loki could even think about grabbing more packets of coffee.

Thor was in high spirits as he led the way to the Avengers' mansion. Loki walked by his side, chattering nonstop about all the delicious food he had heard was normally served at a barbecue. Thor was glad Steve had suggested inviting Loki over to talk with him and glad that Tony had made it an occasion for food. Loki, who above all valued his privacy, actually seemed eager to take part in the festivities. And not just eager to see it all ruined. Maybe Loki really had changed his ways.

But all of Thor's optimism drained out of him the second he stepped foot inside the Avengers' mansion. No one was there to greet them at the door. Instead, he could hear raised, angry voices from the kitchen. Natasha and Tony were arguing more fiercely than he had ever expected from his friends.

"What?" Natasha demanded. "Loki's coming here?"

"Of course he's coming," Tony said. "I invited him."

"What's the matter with you?" Natasha practically screamed. "There's a perfectly good park just a block away. We could be having a nice picnic in the park right now. But no, you had to invite him here of all places. Do you want to be killed that badly? I could kill you right now myself."

Thor cast a sidelong glance at Loki, who was smirking knowingly. It unnerved him to see his friends quarrel, but Loki almost seemed to be expecting it. Thor cleared his throat. "Friends? I have returned from my errand."

"Just a minute, Thor," Tony shouted, before returning to the argument. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I needed your permission to do what Fury told us to do. Last I checked, you weren't team leader."

"Stark, you imbecile. This is the Avengers' mansion, not yours. If you want to invite a psychopath into your own home, that's fine. But the rest of us get a say in how we live."

"It's not just me. Clint's with me on this. He's already out there getting the barbecue ready. And Steve said he doesn't mind. So, three against one. I'd back down now, if I were you, but maybe you'd like me to poll Banner too, just to make it unanimous against you."

"Yes," she said. "Please do. He'll side with me, which will make it three to two. Not a unanimous decision. And when it's not unanimous, it means we need to discuss this like a goddamn team instead of you just doing whatever you want."

"I apologize, brother," Thor said quietly. "I was told to invite you to our gathering. I did not know my friends would behave so appallingly after inviting you to dine with them."

"No apologies necessary," Loki said. "I love hearing a good argument. I never thought the people of Midgard could argue so eloquently, but I must have been wrong." His eyes gleamed with delight. "I might even pick up a new insult while I'm here." He strode determinedly towards the kitchen and Thor followed with a sigh of resignation.

Thor caught up to Loki as he stopped in the doorway to the kitchen. He had been worried that Loki's sensitive pride might be wounded by Natasha's words, but now he saw he had no need to fear. Loki's eyes were wide with childlike wonder. Thor had no idea what Loki found so fascinating. Tony was standing behind the counter, slapping his palm against the marble surface to accentuate each word, his face turning redder and redder as he spoke, and Natasha was pacing through the kitchen, every step sharp and deliberate as if the floor was a carpet of insects that she had to crush with each footstep.

"There is no time for discussion," Tony snapped. "Thor's already gone to tell Loki, so-" Tony trailed off abruptly and his face went white as he realized for the first time that he and Natasha were not alone in the kitchen.

"I don't care," Natasha said. "Call him back here and tell him your little party is cancelled."

Tony swallowed. "Too late. He's already here."

She whirled to face them, the rage in her eyes disappearing behind a mask of cold indifference. "Loki," she said curtly.

Loki flashed a smile. "Greetings, Agent Romanov. What a lovely reception."

She glanced towards Tony and set her jaw. "Does Fury know about this?"

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him," Tony said. "And besides, he wants this contract to work. There's no better way to show that we're no longer enemies than a good old-fashioned barbecue."

"Or maybe there's no better way to get us all killed."

"I like her," Loki said. "She speaks her mind."

"Don't play cute with me. I bet you say that to all the girls."

"True," Loki said. "I said the same about Thor's little girlfriend. Even after she slapped me." He eyed Natasha. "You'll probably slap me, too. You look like the type."

"You like violence, do you?" Natasha stepped within an inch of Loki's face. "I could make it happen," she said in a dangerously quiet voice. "Starting with cutting out that damn tongue of yours."

Tony stepped between them. "Agent Romanov, I'm ashamed of you. Provoking a fight just to win a bet. That's cheating, you know."

"This isn't about your stupid bet, Stark. Loki and I have unfinished business to take care of."

"Yeah, go right ahead. But remember the consequences if we break our side of the deal."

Natasha crossed her arms over her chest. "Fine. I'll wait for Loki to make the first move." She narrowed her eyes. "You're not going to last long. I know it. This is just a temporary truce."

Clint padded into the living room with a can of beer in one hand and his bow in the other. "Hey, Natasha, do you think-" He stopped. "Oh, hi, Loki."

Natasha sighed and rubbed at her temple. "What is it now, Clint? Forget how to light a barbecue?"

Clint didn't answer. He was too busy staring at Loki with a puzzled look on his face.

"Earth to Clint!" Natasha said. She snapped her fingers in front of his face.

He blinked rapidly and shook himself. "That was weird. For a second, I-" He frowned and looked around the room. "Why is everyone-oh, hi, Loki."

Natasha groaned as Clint dropped back into a frozen stare. "Loki, I swear to god, I'm going to kill you."

"I'm not doing anything," Loki protested. "I'm being a perfect guest at your barbecue. I'm smiling, making eye contact-"

"Whatever you're doing, stop it right now." Natasha smacked Clint on the back of the head.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"Back outside." Natasha ushered Clint towards the door. "Go start the barbecue."

"Oh, is Loki here already?"

"Yes, Clint. He's here." She put a hand on his head. "Go straight forward. Don't turn and look. If I have to put you through any more cognitive recalibrations, you won't have any brain cells left."

"What?"

"Never mind, Clint. Just go." She shoved him through the doorway.

"Wait." Clint grasped the doorframe, his forehead creased with confusion. "All of a sudden, I want to try and light the barbecue with a flaming arrow. Weird, right?"

Natasha turned and fixed Loki with a venomous glare. "You are dead. I swear to god." She slammed the door shut, rattling all the windows in the kitchen.


End file.
